Friday 25 March 2011

Some screenplay writing

Hey there guys. I have been working on a screenplay idea with a friend of mine and I really wanted to get your opinion on what we have written so far. It is a bit old, and I doubt we are going to continue with it. I just thought you guys might be interested in it. Before ever completing a script I would like to do more of these short bits. Leave any tips you have for better scripts. Oh, and because I copied the piece, the whole format has changed. 




Julius Bakker

Screenplay by Niels Greven & Levi Blokdijk



2010 Draft



FADE IN:
INT. BAKKER’S HOUSE – JULIUS’ BEDROOM – EARLY AFTERNOON
The room is messy. Clothes lay scattered around the room. Wardrobe, computer and an average sized TV are present. A young man is lying in bed.
We’re watching JULIUS wake up. He picks up a t-shirt laying on the floor and puts it on. He sips water from a plastic bottle and then slowly walks towards his window.
JULIUS (V.O.)
It’s hard to say when it all began,
but if somebody would ask me to start
somewhere, today would be the day.
Not that I knew it at this moment,
but I would find out soon enough.

JULIUS opens his curtains and finds a pack of rolling tobacco. He plucks a rolling paper and starts to roll a cigarette. Whilst rolling his cigarette he stares out of his window enjoying the view of his average American neighborhood.
JULIUS (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My power obsessed dad thought it would
be a good idea to name me after somebody
that had achieved greatness in the hope
I would follow in that person’s footsteps.
My mom went along with the idea just because…
well, let’s just say she doesn’t like coming
between my dad and his
(sarcasm)
‘ideas’.
JULIUS lights his cigarette and notices a group of young men luring a cat and then kicking it away. The young men then start laughing of joy.
JULIUS (V.O.)
Oh look, there’s Johny. A perfect model
of the way a man should be. Masculine,
intelligent and not the least bit immature.
How I would love to be part of his posse.
It’s a shame that during high school I joined
the chess club instead of devoting my time
JULIUS (V.O.) (CONT’D)
to more character building enterprises like
beating up kids for their lunch money. 

JULIUS finishes his cigarette and puts out the butt in an ashtray. He notices his father in the backyard fiddling with the lawnmower. His father is obviously enraged.
JULIES’ mother screams from downstairs.
DENISE
Julius, could you come downstairs for
a moment. Your father has thrown one
of his fits again. You better come
downstairs.
JULIUS
What the fuck now?

DENISE
Watch your mouth Julius! And come
down here before it gets worse.
JULIUS (V.O.)
Yes, that’s me. Julius. Named after the
(sarcasm)
great
Julius Caeser. If only men of power
had been given regular names.
INT. BAKKER’S HOUSE – KITCHEN

DENISE
Good morning early bird Julius.

JULIUS opens the refrigerator and looks in and grabs a plate of food. He starts eating eagerly.
JULIUS
I’m not a bird.
DENISE
It’s not early either. Before you finish
your breakfast go and see what your father
wants.
JULIUS
Sure.
EXT. BAKKER’S HOUSE – BACKYARD
JULIUS’ father is constantly swearing whilst looking at his broken lawnmower. JULIUS exits the house through the backdoor. His father notices him approaching.
VINCE
(angry)
The thing’s only a week old. Fucking
piece of shit!

JULIUS
(obviously irritated)
That’s what you get for buying things
on sale. It’s always a rip-off in the
end. 

VINCE
You think you’re helping you little
smart-ass? The thing cost me more
than you’ll ever make in a year!
A beat.
VINCE
It’s got to be the blade! I’ll need a new
one and you’re going to get it for me boy.

JULIUS
(still irritated)
It’s your lawnmower. Get the bloody thing
yourself.

VINCE
(enraged)
What do you ever do around this place?
Nothing but lounging around, smoking cigarettes
and coming up with bullshit things to say! It’s
about time you did something for your parents!
JULIUS
What kind of blade do you want then?
VINCE
I need a 32 inch Dixon low lift blade.
You got that?
JULIUS
Yeah, yeah. A 32 inch low lift blade.
VINCE
(annoyed)
Dixon!
JULIUS
Yes boss. I have my mother’s genes,
not yours.

VINCE
(angry again)
Get out of my sight before I really get
pissed off! I don’t want to see you again
until you have my blade!
JULIUS (V.O.)
Arguing with an enraged father is like
swimming upstream. It just wears you out
and you’re better off stopping before you
get started.
EXT. BAKKER’S HOUSE – FRONT YARD
The camera is centered on the front and zooms out when JULIUS comes out. The camera then loops around and follows JULIUS whilst he exits his front yard and starts walking down the street. Children are outside playing with toys. JULIUS
JULIUS

43 comments:

  1. Is there a Marcelles Wallace in this?

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  2. Not bad. Keep working at it, goals power lives.

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  3. "DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH TO YOU?"

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  4. Blog's dead baby, blog's dead :DD

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  5. haha love how detaild u it is,
    "The camera is centered on the front and zooms out when JULIUS comes out."

    looks good tho, gl with selling or producing it!

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  6. Great read so far. Will there be more? =)

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  7. Not bad so far. Keep it up. I want to see where it goes.

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  8. That looks pretty good. Thanks for the comments, following

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  9. This is actually pretty awesome! :D I want more.

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  10. Really good.. please keep posting +Following

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  11. Pretty good so far. What's the story going to be about? Just his life? Is something going to happen to him?

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  12. pretty good read man. keep it coming

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  13. this is something unusual here fantastic +followed

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  14. great ideas, followed for more

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  15. Keep it up, but you might want to felsh it out a bit more :)

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  16. Cool I always like to read screen plays

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  17. Did you write that?

    Cool, following!

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  18. I've never read a screen play before but it sounds neat!

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  19. Sounds good mate! Keep up the work! Followed>>

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  20. The dialogue needs work, it feels stale: unrealistic. Other than that, it seems like a grand idea.

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  21. I found it really hard with the extra camera angles and stuff but I guess I've never really read a screen play before. thanks!

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  22. I wrote part of a screen play once, it's tough. You have to decide how much freedom you give the director, and all sorts of things.

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  23. Great post, enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing!

    Keep 'em coming :)

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  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  25. just wondering how long it took you to write this up. nice stuff, will check back for more

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  26. I think it's great, keep it going!

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  27. lazy americans dont roll tobbaco, that said good read.

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  28. great stuff, made me want to go for a smoke which is usually a good sign

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  29. keep up the good work! following

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  30. Looks good to me, I'm no professional though ;)

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  31. Very awesome dude!

    Followed.
    bigunicorn.blogspot.com

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  32. Good job, high detail very professional :)

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